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Monday, February 12th, 2007
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9:55 pm - days go by...
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I can't wait for summer. I need the warm weather. Winter is definitely overrated. Work is going well, I got promoted to pension, so now I take 401k and pension calls. Not too bad. I like the phones, and talking to people, and I work at a great company. I still just wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. We'll see. I miss keene, the people and also the good times. But I still visit alot. I still enjoy the party scene and being young. I know some of my friends have grown out of it, but I haven't. And jess and jerry are getting married. That's exciting. I'm happy for them :-) I miss all my friends from SU! Hope everyone is having fun at grad school!
current mood:  creative
current music: the hills on mtv
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 16th, 2006
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8:06 pm - promiscuous girl
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The funny part is, this really was my anthem this summer. hahaha ;-)
| Your 2006 Summer Anthem Is | 
Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado
"I'm only trying to get inside your brain
To see if you can work me the way you say
It's okay, it's alright
I got something that you might like" |
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
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9:23 pm - sad again
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OK, so I know I only post in this thing when I am sad, but that being said, here goes.
I wish I could find my place in this world. One day I think I have, and the next I know I haven't. I just need to figure things out!! Yesterday, I came to the realization that I am not happy. I'm 23, I shouldn't be feeling like this, feeling like I'm stuck the way I am for the rest of my life. It really sucks.
I'm tired of being alone. I'm feeling good about things for a week, and then everything just stops, and I feel so isolated and alone again. That hurts probably more than anything else. There are reasons why I don't let guys get close, and in all reality, I don't think I've let anyone get that close. I've come close to telling someone how I feel, and then I just stop. What does it matter? They always hurt me anyway. I think I was just meant to be always alone...
Someone mentioned something that really made me think. And I've actually thought about it for a couple days, and you know what? They are so right. It's so obvious, but it just never hit me until. But the worst part is, I can't reverse it, and I can't subject myself to more hurt by fixing it. I know this is vague, but I guess it's more just to document my own thoughts than anything else.
I guess more than anything else I just want someone to talk to, someone who actually really cares. I know there are people who care, I'm really not trying to throw myself a pity party, but all I do all day is talk, talk, talk. And no one really listens. I talk to so many people every day, but inside I'm so empty because I have no one who really cares about how I feel. I'm just so lonely, and so sad at the same time. I just want to find where I belong once and for all. There are some things I miss so goddamn much and there's no way to ever get them back.
current mood:  sad
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 18th, 2006
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6:38 am - :-(
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My heart is broken. I know that I'm not supposed to feel like this, but I do. It's terrible. My heart hurts. :-(
current mood: numb
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 20th, 2006
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2:12 pm - I just don't know anymore
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I'm so confused. I feel like my life is moving way too fast, and I just can't keep up. I have a great job, great friends, an awesome apartment, and a car, and yet I feel like I'm going to explode. My emotions are all over the place and I can't handle it. I feel like if something doesn't change soon I'm gonna snap.
Maybe I "settled down" too quickly. I mean, I graduated college and now I have a good job. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it, but I don't know. Maybe I should have waited a little longer. I'm starting my career, but am I ready for it? I don't know. And it scares me so bad. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten this job quite yet. Maybe I should have looked around a little further, or just not have picked my career goals as quickly as I have. I just don't know....
I don't know why I feel like this. I hate myself for feeling the way I do. I promised myself I'd never do this to myself, I promised myself it wouldn't happen to me. But it has. And I hate myself for feeling this way. I just want the feelings to stop, but they won't. And I don't want them to stop. But I do. That doesn't make any sense at all.
Honestly, all I want to do right now is get in my car and just drive. I love driving, and I just want to leave. I want to start over. Again. I just want to get away.
I miss music and my flute more than anything. I wish I could follow my dream. I love it more than anything. But I can't. Because I can't afford it and I have to follow my "career." I guess I'll never be truly happy. But that's life. And I hate myself for falling into that category of never following what I truly wanted to do in life. Everything they tell you in college is right. It is the easiest time of your life when you're in there. The real world sucks. And I'm still not ready for it. I wonder when I will be. I went to college to get a good job. And I have. And I love it. But it's not my true passion. That's life I guess.
And I'm so lonely. I might be around others a lot, but inside I'm just so lonely. It doesn't look like there is any way to stop the loneliness. I just hate feeling the way I do right now.
current mood: depressed
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| Monday, June 5th, 2006
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10:35 pm - wow
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I think I'm actually happy right now. Things are really starting to look up for me. yay! :-D
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
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8:58 pm - frustrated
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I think I'm stuck in a rut. And I'm so frustrated right now. Frustrated with my job, my living situation, some of my friends, my roommates cats, being taken advantage of, money, the weather. I need to get paid more. I need to have a job that I'm not overqualified for. I feel like if things don't change I'm gonna explode. I want to feel like me again. I'm so sick of hiding these feelings inside, and so stressed out by everything negative going on inside and outside of me. I also think I'm realizing that it's not me, it's others that are causing the negativity. I need to stop feeling like I need to fix everything. I'm sick of doing all the work and pulling everyone else's weight. It's time for a change, and for once, I actually think I'm ready for it. And I desperately need a fun night out.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: lincolnshire posey - grainger
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
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9:49 pm
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hmmmm i guess people read this that I didn't know about. not sure how I feel about that.
congrats to those SU grads!!! love you guys :-)
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 4th, 2006
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11:15 pm
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it's nights like these that makes me want my best friend back so bad. please just talk to me. i miss you :*-( why does alcohol make me feel like this. i hate feeling like this
current mood:  drunk
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 16th, 2006
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9:22 pm - contemplating my life
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x-posted on myspace
so, i've just turned 23, graduated from college about a year ago, and i still don't have that "real job". you know, that perfect job that you are supposed to have worked so hard for all four years of college. well let me just say this. not everyone knows what they really want out of life. i for one don't. i'm really not sure if i ever have. i went to college because it was expected of me, it wasn't a choice not to go in my family. now that I'm done, I realize that yes, I loved college, met great people, learned great and new things, realized what I actually want to do in life and realized that it will never actually happen for me. but that's life. so now, here i am, working a low-paying job for now, paying my own bills, and figuring out who i am. is it a bad thing that I haven't figured out my place in the world? i don't think so. someday, i know i will. but right now is not someday. i'm perfectly happy doing what i am doing, and i will figure things out when it is right for me. I don't think it's right for people to judge my situation, because i am after all, still figuring myself out.
my family is important to me, and my friends are too. i've been hurt too many times to count by friends, but i always try to forgive them. sometimes friendships cannot be mended, but most times, people forgive each other. and i feel that that is something true friends will always do. i hate being in uncomfortable situations, and that's why i try to figure out what the problem is. does this make the situation worse? sometimes. but i feel it's better to try and fix what is wrong rather to let it build and build until permanent damage is done. i want all my friends to know that i love them, and will always be there for them, and that i would never betray them. i'm just not that kind of person. i just want others to like me. is that shallow? i don't think so. but maybe i am wrong. i have been wrong about things before.
right now in my life, i think it's all about self discovery. so many things have changed in the past year, that i feel like i have done a complete 180. and you know what, i'm ok with that. i'm having fun right now, and i'm on top of my finances and i always pay my bills. i'm young, just let me be 23 and make bad decisions. how else am i going to learn what is right or wrong? sometimes people don't always see eye to eye on everything, but that's ok! because if everybody was the same the world would be boring. it's like my dad said today: you have the whole world in front of you, and i think i do, and i intend to explore every facet of that world, and find my place in it. on my own time.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
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1:37 pm
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i really hate being alone. and i also hate feeling like no one cares about you anymore. missing SU like crazy today, and also feeling like i have no direction right now...
geez my entries have become depressing.
on a lighter note, i'm going to be at susquehanna on april 29th and possibly 30th, and i want to see everyone cuz i miss you all so much!!! call or im me :-)
current mood: depressed
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 19th, 2006
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11:51 pm
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I really hate being judged and looked down upon. especially by people who are supposed to be your best friends. so what if I'm at a different place in my life than you are, I'll figure it out when I'm good and ready.
current mood: frustrated
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 28th, 2006
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7:14 pm - ok so here's my update
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OK, so here's an update on my life...
still working at JCPenney, and still trying to figure out what I'm gonna do with my life. I have no idea.... I knew taking that semester off during my sophomre year would be good for me... anywayz
I've been partying a lot lately. I like it, it's fun, I'm not pregnant, and I'm kinda enjoying it right now. So maybe not everyone agrees with what I do, and I know it's totally different from what I used to do, but I just wanna figure out who I am right now, and if partying and getting drunk and meeting random people is what it's all about then that's what it's gonna be right now, and people are just gonna have to deal with it.
I really miss playing the flute everyday. That was part of my life for 10 years, and now it's gone. I don't think a lot of people will understand why it hurts so bad that I don't do what I love anymore, but lemme just say that it SUCKS. I miss it so much, and with my work schedule, and all that, it's so hard for me to find time to even pick my flute up. I'm playing in a town band on Tuesday nights, and that's fun, but knowing you're the best in the group (really trying to not be conceded), and being able to play all the parts better and more in tune than others isn't all that satisfying. I miss being in a "good" band, and all that ensued. I wish I could just figure out what I'm doing with my flute career....
I love living in an apartment with my two best friends, but paying bills is hard. I'm making do right now, but time will tell. So all in all, my life is "ok" at best for right now.
So I just want everyone to know, I'm being careful, and even though I do some crazy things, I always have my conscience telling me what's wrong and what's right.
and in closing....
I know I've hurt some people with some comments in the past, and I just want to say that I love you all, and I'm not sorry that I've changed, but right now, I'm enjoying being on the wild side, and pushing myself to the edge and towards what is not right, because I think it's gonna teach me in the future what I should and should not do. And underneath it all, I really am the same person I was 4 years ago, even though my morals and beliefs might have changed. I WILL figure out who I am eventually, and it makes me feel good that I have explored everything there is out there, and gained all the experience that I could during my 23 years.
love,
Jen, Jenny, JBo, or whatever else I've been nicknamed
:-*
current mood:  productive
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| Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
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10:14 pm
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coming soon:
an update on my uncontrollable life and the thoughts of one Jennifer Bolton
stay tuned....
O:-)
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 11th, 2005
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9:58 pm
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| Sunday, November 6th, 2005
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9:04 am
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ok, don't really agree with this but lambies are cute :-D
 Peaceful and gentle, lambs have been used in religious imagery for millennia. Lambs are baby sheep, an animal tended by shephards since the dawn of history. As a lamb, you tend to stay together in a flock and graze on grassy land. Lambs don't mind being led and tend not to go off on their own. You were almost a: Kitten or a GroundhogYou are least like a: Frog or a ChipmunkWhat Cute Animal Are You?
now off to work. in other exciting news, moving to keene with my besty best friends in less than 4 weeks!!! can't wait :-)
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| Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
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12:50 pm - ooooooooo my life update
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so I drove down to SU this past weekend for homecoming. It was pretty fun. I got to see a lot of my SU friends, Amanda, Nick, and Maria. And on Sat, I saw komada and paul whom I miss sooooooooooo much! I was so happy to see them. I just wish I lived closer to SU and even PA in general so I could see more people more often. I like the new caf, but there still doesn't seem to be enough seats for everyone. Friday night we went to BJs for bongo bongo and yuengling! but I was so tired I couldn't even finish a whole pitcher like I could in the good old days ;-). It woulda been nice to go to bots but the freaking line outside was ridiculous! on sat we hung out, i saw some more friends, visited dr. klotz, started to feel better about my employment situation (since I heard that someone who graduated with a degree in psych is now driving a truck lol awesome!), and then we went out to dinner at that new place in the mall and then went to the mint in sunbury. Oh man, I love that place. NH needs a place like the peppermint. On sunday I drove home, and now it's back to reality for me.
This is kinda hard for me, but I've kinda come to the realization that not only do people change, but it's hard for things to go back to the way they were before between people. I'm not saying that change is bad, or even that those people can't be friends, but just that things are different now, and there's nothing I or anyone can do about it. I think it just means we have to move on with our lives, and realize that sometimes things just can't be like the way they were before. OK, that made no sense really, but I guess I understood it :-P
let's see what else is new in my life.... I got a .25 raise!! score lol. I also joined the amherst town band, and am thinking about joining the hollis one. the music is pretty easy, and almost all the flute players are way older than me. like 71 years old lol. They are all like, "well, you're pretty good, so you can play the solos" OK, that sounds good to me lol. I have definetely become a shopaholic. I have soooo many clothes, I don't even know where to put them. I love clothes!!! I also have charge cards at Old Navy, gap, and american eagle now. jeez, I'm gonna owe so much fucking money soon lol. I'm still contemplating waitressing at the olive garden. I really want a 2nd job, but from what I hear it's mad work. I gotta make up my mind soon I guess.
oh, if anyone wants to move out, and go pretty much anywhere on the east coast, I'm always looking for someone to move with. :-)
current mood:  hopeful
current music: the end of cribs on mtv
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
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4:49 pm - my american idol post
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So, I'm sure everyone is just dying to know, what went on on August 31, 2005 in Jbo's life:
I got home from work at around 6, took a shower, packed some clothes (slutty and non) in a bag along with my ipod and some reading materials, and then Jess and I took off down to Foxboro, MA to try out for American Idol. Now keep in mind I hate singing in public, so this trip was strictly for fun for me. We arribed there at about 9, got our auditionee wristband and stadium seat tickets, and then proceeded to camp out on the concourse area of the stadium. We tried to sleep, but so many friggin people stayed up all night singing that it was no use. Left the stadium at 4am, and slept in the car till 6. Well, jess did, I didn't sleep at all that night. So we get back to the stadium at 6:30, get in our seats, and then at 8am they did camera shots and started the audition and all that. It was raining, and we didn't have umbrellas, but it was humid out so we weren't cold. When they start the show in January, everyone must look for me, I was wearing my Susquehanna sweatshirt and jeans. Very exciting stuff. So Jess and I didn't even get to audition till like 3, so we got to sit there and be bored and listen to people think they are awesome singers. So I go to audition, and I sang Pocahontas "colors of the wind". I sounded so bad! I was exhausted and I didn't warm up or anything, and I started laughing in the middle of the song. So, I didn't make it to the next round of American Idol. But, now I can say I tried out!!! Got home at like 7 that night and went right to bed. Good times.
So, that was my brush with fame. Very exciting times in the lives of Jess and Jen.
( some pictures from my adventure )
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| Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
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8:56 pm
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Feeling really down tonight, not really sure why.... everyone is heading back to SU soon or already there, I don't know honestly how I feel about that.... I know I'm def not ready to go back and see some people yet, I really tore it up senior week and I'm really not entirely sure what that did to some of my friendships...
I can't stand living at home, I know I must sound selfish, and like a spoiled brat or something, but it's really hard for me here. I actually really look forward to driving to Keene to work everyday, at least it gets me away from the nagging and my parents going off on how useless I am.
Anyway, work at JCP is pretty good, I mean I don't make much money at all, but I really enjoy most of my coworkers, and I've gotten a lot of nice clothes cheap lol. My parents are going away for four days, I'm trying to figure out if I'm going to invite people (or a certain someone) over.
I haven't picked up my flute in over 2 months, and I'm not sure why.... I really want to play again, but I just can't bring myself to do it, and I honestly have no idea why. I really miss it :-(
I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship or not, but I gotta figure it out soon, I'm not being very nice by leading people on.... geez I really need to figure my life out :-(
current mood: depressed
current music: sugarcult - memory
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 18th, 2005
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10:55 am - I love Harry Potter!!!
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I finished the 6th book last night, and lemme just say....
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!!!
I think this is my new favorite book in the series. I definetely recommend it. Harry Potter rocks lol!!!:-)
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